Love-Bombing: The Toxic Dating Technique
Picture this- you meet someone. They don’t hesitate to text you first. You stay up all night texting, and also text throughout the day. They shower you with gifts and compliment you non-stop. They tell you they have been waiting their whole lives for you, that you are their soulmate. They tell you that they know it’s only been a short amount of time, but they just can’t help it. They want to meet your family and all your friends. They want to see where you work. They want to spend every minute of every day with you…this is quickly starting to sound like a nightmare, right?
The truth is, this isn’t healthy. This isn’t the true love you’ve been waiting for. It’s “love-bombing.” It’s a tactic that uses manipulation through excessive amounts of affection to gain control over someone. Love-bombing was coined by Chitra Raghavan as a way to describe this dating technique that is used to gain the upper hand in the relationship. Dr. Raghavan explains it this way, “one partner, typically male, but not exclusively, showers the other person with attention, affection, compliments, flattery, and essentially creates this context where she feels like she’s met her soul mate and it’s effortless. The reality is, the person who is doing the love bombing is creating or manipulating the environment to look like he’s the perfect or she’s the perfect mate.”
Why is this type of relationship unhealthy? Building a strong and healthy relationship takes time. It takes time to truly get to know someone, usually around two years to fully know another human being. So while your dopamine may be getting a major boost from all of this attention, the chances that the relationship will continue this way, are slim to none. Falling into this type of relationship blindly risks your heart in the end. Once the honeymoon phase is over, and their true colors start to show, you can end up heartbroken and struggling to trust in future relationships. When someone is love-bombed, the partner has become their entire world, so it can take a long time to rebuild an individual identity again.
Below are some red flags for love-bombing. The first step to avoiding this relationship trap is to be aware of the warning signs.
1. Over the top gifts.
2. Isolation from friends and family.
3. Excessive attention and flattery.
4. Using “I love you” and “soulmate” soon after meeting.
5. Excessive communication.
6. They resist your boundaries.
7. They make immediate promises and/or plans for the future.
If you have experienced love bombing, it’s important to give yourself time to heal. Treating yourself with kindness, patience, and forgiveness are all important components to healing. Spend time reconnecting to people, places, and activities you once loved prior to the relationship, and even try starting some new routines or hobbies. If you feel like you’re still struggling to move forward, investing in some therapy may also be very beneficial in helping you feel more like yourself again.
Interested in diving deeper into healthy relationships and moving on from a break-up? Check out the resources below:
Book: It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: The Smart Girls Break-Up Buddy
Podcast: Heal Your Heartbreak with Your Break-Up Bestie
YouTube video on the science of heartbreak: https://na01.safelinks.protection.outlook.com/?url=https%3A%2F%2Fyoutu.be%2FlGglw8eAikY&data=04%7C01%7C%7Cec48dbbc28384fe3de2308d9e7301d76%7C84df9e7fe9f640afb435aaaaaaaaaaaa%7C1%7C0%7C637795016101380443%7CUnknown%7CTWFpbGZsb3d8eyJWIjoiMC4wLjAwMDAiLCJQIjoiV2luMzIiLCJBTiI6Ik1haWwiLCJXVCI6Mn0%3D%7C3000&sdata=qRmnyqWygLO9jw7Teni0ndfgGYDYZJBQC8KmQUbu37A%3D&reserved=0