Imagine Heaven

Buckle up folks, this is a vulnerable post, and my first book review! What an... interesting combination? Throughout my life, my biggest fear has always been dying. I started having anxiety about dying when I turned 17, shortly after losing a friend to suicide. The first wave of anxiety came in the form of an intense panic attack. I had never had a panic attack before and was home alone, and my parents were out on a movie date, so I didn’t want to bother them. I ended up calling 911. Paramedics came, checked me out, and let me know that they believed I was having a panic attack. I was mortified. I was so embarrassed to have to tell my parents that I called 911 over a panic attack, but it was my first experience with one, and I wasn’t a therapist yet, so I truly had no idea what was happening. Since that first panic attack, I’ve had a fear of dying.

My mother was always extremely supportive of my mental health and had set me up with a great therapist who guided me as I processed various issues and did deep self-work on my anxiety. Through this work I found a few roots to my fear of dying. I feel incredibly responsible for the people in my life: friends, family, and literally anyone who comes into my life. If you’ve read my previous posts like He Called I Answered, then you know about God’s calling/mission for my life. If you haven’t read it, feel free to pause now and read it, or check it out afterwards. I know without a shred of doubt that God has called me to care for others in this life. My goal in life is to live for God as God has intended for me, and that means carrying out the work He has assigned me for His glory. I feel that every person in my life has been sent to me for a reason and there is nothing I want more than to serve these people and humanity while being a reflection of God’s love. I have a servant’s heart and a strong desire to fulfill God’s mission for me. I have always felt “I don’t have enough time.” I have always felt this weird sense of urgency to serve as many people as possible at any given time in fear that I would either run out of time to serve them, or that when I pass, I would be responsible for those I leave behind to suffer. I am far from perfect; I make mistakes and say or do things that I am not always proud of. However, the idea of intentionally causing someone harm, pain, or to suffer literally shreds my soul. I honestly can hardly bear to think about it.

Secondly, I have struggled with the unknown about life after death. You may be wondering, “I thought you were Christian, don’t you believe in heaven?” Of course I do, however, I am a hands on learner. During grad school, I could sit in class and learn theories and techniques all day long, but I never remembered them or understood them until I practiced them with real people. I need to experience something before I understand and believe. And that’s okay, Jesus doesn’t shy away or get angry when we want to experience His love or God’s promises, He is always willing to connect with us in the way that we need connection, as long as we are seeking Him out with all of our hearts. I’ve always asked questions like: Will death hurt? Will I have been a “good enough” Christian to go to heaven? What will it be like? Will I never see my friends and family again? Who will take care of the people God has given into my care? Who will finish my work? What a type A…who will finish my work?! For heaven’s sake, literally!

When you pair my human doubt and doubt with a stubbornness to live until I’m ready to die (always wanting to do it my way), and throw a few autoimmune disorders into the mix, you get a really fun anxiety spaghetti! Sounds appetizing, right?! When I was 14 I was diagnosed with my first autoimmune disorder which has resulted in me being blind in my right eye. At the age of 18 I was diagnosed with my second autoimmune disorder, and last year I was diagnosed with my third. My body hasn’t felt like a safe place for me to be for much of my life. I have attacked myself and felt that my body could give out at any minute. I have struggled with not being/feeling in control of my life for so long and that has worn on my over time. *Insert pandemic here that could end my life*.

Knowing all of this, you are now up to speed on my state of mind last week. When I feel troubled in any capacity, my first go-to is Jesus. I pray. I pray a lot. I pray in the middle of my day, before bed, right when I wake up, in the car, during a session, you name it. I pray. I have been praying for the past few weeks for clarity. I was tired of being afraid, anxious, and stressed. I was tired of feeling like a bottomless pit inside and was ready for whatever answers God wanted to give me. So, I asked, and I waited.

This is what some Christians refer to as a ‘dry season.” Everyone has dry seasons, where we go through feeling burnt out, less passionate, and sometimes disconnected from our King. Dry seasons are not necessarily “bad,” because it often ends up being what fuels you to refocus on your relationship with God. I think of it more like a spiritual reset button. Some dry seasons are longer than others, and its typically just a phase. But I’ve been really committed to trying to stay as connected to God as possible this year, so when I realized I was in a dry season, I immediately reached out for Him.

He responded, as He always does. How lucky are we to have such a faithful creator?! Sometimes I like to listen to various podcasts in the mornings while I get ready for work. Last week, I happened to randomly (but was it really random) pick an episode of a podcast with the title mentioning NDE’s (near death experiences). I thought to myself, “Huh, I know I have heard of those somewhere before, sounds interesting.” and pressed play. I remember absolutely nothing from that podcast episode. The second that he began to talk about his near-death experience, which I also cannot remember, I thought, “I wonder what God has to say about this. I wonder who else has experienced these and what has happened?” I unlocked my phone and did a quick Google search. So.many.results. I was instantly overwhelmed. I pulled up Amazon and did a search in their book department. The first thing that popped up was “Imagine Heaven,” by John Burke. It had a ton of high reviews, and really important part here, John is a pastor. I downloaded it immediately.

Over the next four days I read and finished the book. What I found in its pages where life changing for me. Its pages filled me with hope, joy, answers to questions I had been praying on for weeks, months, and years. And it perfectly aligned with my faith in our Father. It didn’t feel like fabricated mumbo-jumbo so to speak, but rather was best read with an open Bible. I could dive into the Word and see God’s promises confirmed over and over and over again. John writes, “some Christians say the NDE’s should be rejected because these tales of the afterlife deny the sufficiency of scripture and therefore add to God’s elevation. I respectfully disagree, and I’ve included Scriptural reference throughout the book to show how aligned the Scriptures actually are with the common experience.” John also points out that purposely chose to include NDE’s from folks who had little to no profit motive, as we all know people can be easily motivated to fabricate anything for money. There was rich data from peer reviewed studies and journals. He even includes NDE’s from people from different parts of the world who either did not follow any religion, or who had religious views differing from Christianity. The stories had me in tears within the first few chapters, as I felt that I was hearing everything my soul knew it was missing in my relationship with God and Jesus. I have often struggled with missing/longing to be somewhere I have never been. Almost like being homesick, without having ever known where home was. These pages filled my soul with understanding that I’ve been homesick for eternity serving, worshipping, and living in perfect loving harmony with God and Jesus.

My purpose in life is confirmed, my life is renewed, and I absolutely know that I will be reading this book, over and over again throughout my life. I even purchased this book for several friends and family members! All of this to say, it is in no way a substitute for the Bible. Like John says, this book is meant to be read with an open Bible. Scripture is referenced throughout this book and this book is only meant to confirm scriptural truth. It gives a reader a four-dimensional understanding of our three-dimensional world. It will help guide you to live your life for eternity instead of just right now. It has completely changed my life and how I view death. I have never recommended a book more. I am so grateful for God’s faithfulness in answering my prayers and for Him giving me a glimpse into all the good things He has in store for all His children. We are so lucky to have such a loving and perfect creator, and I cannot wait to spend eternity worshipping Him and living for His glory.