Confessions of a Quarantine
Be careful what you pray for….
Lent has always been one of my favorite times of the year. It has always provided me with an opportunity to slow down and reflect on the condition of my soul. It has given me an excuse to slow down and take time to reconnect with God.
This year I wanted to give up complaining for Lent. Over the past year, God has blessed me beyond measure. He has given me a new job, a promotion, a new house, a new car, and engagement to the most incredible man, and financial stability. The list could go on, and yet, despite all of those blessings, I found myself with an ungrateful heart. I found myself constantly stressed and constantly waiting for “the other shoe to drop.” With my new job and promotion, I was stressed about all the responsibility. I want so much to be a good leader and to do a job well done, so I overworked. I worked at work and then brought my work home and talked about it endlessly. I dreamt about it, had anxiety about it, and then went back to work over an hour early each day to do even more work. I developed stress headaches that were so severe I had to make a doctor’s appointment to rule out a neurological issue. I loved and dreaded work at the same time. I was constantly worried that even though I had been given financial stability, I wasn’t were I “should be” financially. I was constantly overspending and lacking solid budgeting skills even though I was making more money than I ever had before. I felt that even though I had just purchased my new home, it wasn’t big enough or on a big enough piece of land. I was constantly wanting more. I felt disconnected from God. I remember just before the Lenten season began, I was driving home and had the random thought, “I miss my connection with God. I haven’t felt it in SO long.” Nothing seemed to bring me inspiration or to fill me up anymore. I felt desperate.
With all of this in mind, I decided that I wanted to work on developing a grateful heart during the Lenten season. I was committed to spending more time with God, working to rebuild our connection. I hadn’t gone to church since moving to our new city, so on Ash Wednesday, I attended my first service at the new church, and I would soon call home. With the newly marked ash cross on my forehead, I felt something new stirring within me almost immediately. I felt a small flame ignite in the deepest part of my soul; I knew God had heard my call. Little did I know how loudly He would answer. You know that saying, “Be careful what you pray for?” WELL L.O.L AT MYSELF!
Two weeks later the COVID-19 virus would hit my area and only a week after that, our state would be shut down and I would be working from home for the foreseeable future. Fast forward to now, and I have been working from home for the past eight weeks. I am blessed to be working full-time, but I have still had so much more time to myself and time to reflect than I ever have before. I went from going full speed ahead to what I like to call a “gas-break-dip” (shout out to my generation of bay area fans who get this reference). For the first few weeks I was filled with anxiety and nothing could calm it. My usual self-care techniques like baths or meditation failed me miserably and I was left questioning everything. It wasn’t until my best friend mentioned that she was starting a year-long Bible study that it clicked. I was missing God. He was the missing link. So, I ordered the Bible study she suggested, and we dove in together. I’ve learned some hard truths, hence the title of this post as “confessions”, but it’s all been for His greater purpose and I’m here to be vulnerable with you all in sharing my revelations, story, and walk with God.
I don’t really feel that I am qualified to even write this blog, but I recently heard someone say that we should be accepting every opportunity God gives us, so here we are. I hope to remain humble through this and to help others feel less alone in their messiness. We are all imperfect. So, without further ado, here are the confessions of my life as of late:
1. I had become my own God and forgotten the one who is.
- I was the center of my own universe. I was in control of my entire existence. I made things happen, or as we say nowadays, I “manifested” everything through my own will and power. I had completely cut out the Creator of the universe, giving God literally zero credit for the work I had done “myself.” I hadn’t picked up a Bible in years, had stopped attending church, and almost forgot my nightly prayers completely. I had turned away from my Father and turned my face towards the world.
2. Material possessions and social status were the most important things in my life; my false idols.
- My life had become a race. A race to the alter (fingers crossed I still get to have a wedding in September), a race to my next big promotion, a race to buy a bigger and better house, a race to save as much money in the bank as possible. A race to get the most followers on social media or the most likes. Material wealth and social status became the goal.
3. I have been spoiled rotten.
- I’m just going to say it, I’ve been spoiled rotten my entire life. Sure, I’ve had my fair share of tragedy and trauma, but for the most part, I’ve had everything I could have ever wanted or needed. Every time I had ever been to the grocery store, every item was stocked. I have been allowed to go anywhere and everywhere I have pleased if I could afford the airfare, and heck, if I didn’t HAVE the money, I could throw it on a credit card. I’ve always had safe housing. I’ve always had enough money to pay my bills. I’ve always had the luxury of healthcare. I had access to education. Nothing I’ve ever wanted for has been out of my reach. Ever.
When the unexpected happens, we tend to do one of two things; we run from God, angry at our circumstances and sometimes blame Him and doubt His goodness and plan. Or, we run TO Him. We run straight to our Abba and cry at His feet, begging for Him to draw us up onto His lap and enfold us in His unconditional love. I did the just that. I had lost my passion, my connection, and on some level, my soul. I was desperate and begging for God to come and rescue me and rescue me He did.
I recently listened to a speaker during a retreat, Ashlee Osborne. During her talk she said, “Death, burial, and resurrection is a constant cycle in our lives.” This is especially true when we are experiencing trials and tribulations, and this has been even more true for me during the past eight weeks. The virus made its unwelcomed debut and for about the first two weeks I experienced death. I was no longer going to the office, all my normal modes of self-indulgence were closed (clothing stores, restaurants, beauty salons, etc.). Everything about my life was stripped away and I was left with silence and isolation. Then I was buried. The next two weeks I was wrought with anxiety. I was wondered what God’s plan was, what would happen, and my soul just could not be comforted. I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin and some days that made giving therapy to my clients difficult. I wanted so desperately to be firm foundation for them, but I felt like I was crumbling. There were a lot of sleepless nights, and even more tears. Finally, came my resurrection. Through my best friend mentioning her Bible study, God called me home. He brought me back into the fold. In Matthew 18:12-14, Jesus says, “What do you think? If a man owns a hundred sheep, and one of them wanders away, will he not leave the ninety-nine on the hills and go to look for the one that wandered off? And if he finds it, truly I tell you, he is happier about that one sheep than about the ninety-nine that did not wander off. In the same way your Father in heaven is not willing that any of these little ones should parish.” I was the lost sheep and the Lord is my shepherd.
I have had a multitude of revelations in the past eight weeks and I am hoping to use this platform to share them with you. I am hoping to be a beacon of light for other lost sheep and to be a ray of hope for those still waiting to be returned to the flock. I also hope for God to use me to help show others the power of His love, and to light the path for those who may be questioning or exploring faith all together. It is my sincere hope that through this blog, you will feel loved, heard, and cared for by God.