Unqualified
If you’ve read the three previous posts, you now know how this blog has come into existence. The pandemic began, God spoke, and I listened. Well, I kind of listened. I knew that I needed to start the blog, but I still had so many doubts. How could I possibly be qualified to write a Christian blog? I am have just moved churches and didn’t have a chance to get active in the church before it moved to online services, I have always identified as a Christian, but I wasn’t raised in a particularly Christ-centered home (although my parents both identify as believers). I was truthfully a horrific teenager, just ask anyone who knew me. I honestly have a pretty broken past, more on that to come I’m sure, but I am absolutely no prophet like Moses. Yet I felt like Moses when God initially tasked him with going to Egypt to free the Israelites from under Pharaoh’s rule. In Exodus 4:1 Moses asks God, “What if they do not believe me or listen to me and say, The Lord did not appear to you?” I asked God this same question. Moses even pleaded with God in Exodus 4:13 when he begged, “Pardon your servant, Lord. Please send someone else.” I have not attended seminary school. I do not have an extensive background in ministry, and I have not recently been overly active in the church. I have always been afraid that I wasn’t a good enough Christian to speak boldly about God and my relationship with Him. Just prior to Jesus being betrayed by Judas, in Matthew 26:34, Jesus predicts that Peter will deny Jesus when He says, “Truly I tell you, this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times,” and indeed he did. I felt like Peter. I felt that in my passive faith, in my fear of offending others with how deeply I loved my Savior, I had in essence denied Him. I was ashamed.
In the weeks leading up to this new calling, an online ad had been popping up on every single one of my social media accounts. It was an online women’s retreat hosted by a woman named Becky Kiser. Like most of us, I scrolled past the ad. Day after day, the ad kept showing up in my feed and finally I clicked on it, just to try and understand what it was and why in the world it kept flooding my feed. It was a Christian women’s retreat. I scrolled through the speakers and thought, well what the heck, I have nothing else to do that weekend (hello social distancing), I might as well sign up and have something to do. I signed up, and during the very first interview with Jill Briscoe, God spoke again. One of the interview questions was; how do you know God’s call and purpose for you, how do you know what to say yes to? My heart quieted, waiting for her response. She looked dead center into the screen, right into my soul and replied, “I did everything. God said, go into all the world and tell them everything about me.” I stared back and just cried. When I got to Becky Kiser’s session, she spoke about how God historically uses broken people who were not enough to carry out His will and again, I cried.
That could have been enough for me and in fact I had already written the first blog post by the time I watched Chandler Hatchett’s session. She again spoke directly to my soul when she said that God’s will is going to be accomplished no matter what, despite our brokenness, our mistakes, and our circumstances. I felt fire coursing through my veins at this point and was truthfully to ready to move forward in God’s will. I woke up the next morning certain that if I let the Holy Spirit guide me, I would be assisting in accomplishing at least a small portion of God’s will. I quickly scrolled Instagram before the workday, not expecting much, only to find the final blow to my false belief that I would never be enough to carry out God’s plan. On her Instagram, author and Bible teacher Chrystan Ferrell posted these words, “you see unqualified, God sees a warrior,” followed up with Judges 6:14, “Go in the strength you have, I am sending you.”
It’s almost comical at this point, that God kept pursuing me day after day with scripture after scripture and confirmation after confirmation. Humans are such stubborn creatures; I wonder sometimes how we don’t absolutely exhaust our Father. Going forward I have no idea what this blog will end up being for others. I don’t have a solid concept for content, or even sections of topics I would like to include. It could be geared towards lifestyle, be more similar to a journal, or include guidance for Christian women. It could be directed towards new believers looking for direction or be a series of testimonies to God’s greatness. My sense is that it will end up being a combination of these things, but only God will tell. So, although I am nothing like Moses, and still probably unqualified, God certainly is NOT unqualified. With God and in God, I am qualified. I can’t wait to see where He leads me, and you too! Let’s enjoy this journey together!